Make | Shift
The past 30 days have kicked my ass (mid-April to mid-May) and have left me with a wobbly, taped-and-glued-with-popsicle-sticks life. Everything changed in an awful hurry, and I'm just now able to stand upright in a season of life I'd like to refer to as "makeshift". Let me explain: I was in a car accident on my wedding anniversary (darn you, April. Just as I told the world about our love affair, you go and do this to me.), which landed me in a t-tiny makeshift rental car for 6 weeks. Our lease was up on our house, so we've made makeshift living arrangements at my generous and aunt and uncle's house until we can find a place of our own. We were suddenly down one manager at work, which required me to quickly piece together a makeshift -- albeit amazing -- management team until I found the perfect person for the job. I had a cavity-filling-gone-wrong incident which left me in major pain and unable to chew on one side of my mouth for a month. None of these occurrences are terrible or super stress-inducing on their own, but roll them into one looong month of a series of unfortunate events, and we've got problems. Like messy, frantic, exasperating, bawl-your-eyes-out problems.
A week into a better "normal", I've come to recognize that I love change when I get to choose it, but not at all when it happens TO ME. I've very much felt like a victim this month, like a pinball in a giant machine that just keeps getting knocked around. Even the word makeshift implies passive action; circumstances make me choose the best scenario possible, but definitely not the most ideal. I've felt as if I had no control over anything, and that is terrifying to me.
I wish this blog post ended with some nugget of truth that I've learned about the world, some moment of enlightenment that is glorious and makes the past month seem worth it all. Unfortunately, the only thing I've walked away with is the realization of just how fragile my idea of balance is, just how easy it is for me to become unraveled over things. I don't feel good unless I feel like I'm excelling, thriving, gaining, doing something of substance. And let's be real: none of the above happenings included getting diagnosed with an incurable disease, losing a loved one, or being wrongfully accused of a crime. You know, real stuff to get upset about. So I'm sharing these feelings not in order to whine to you all on the internet, but in hopes that maybe a few of you have gone through something similar in the past (or right now) and will feel better knowing that you're not alone. Sometimes life is just hard and you feel defeated. Sometimes you will feel like a jerk for getting upset over first-world problems and lose a great amount of respect for yourself. YOU are not alone in feeling these things.
Let's take it all in and promise to learn from it and be better people because of makeshifting. And for the love of all things, please stay at least two car lengths behind me at all times.